My Secret Diary
Role-play draft by Questioner@comcast.net, rev. 1, 5/27/2007
My personal and private diary
Thursday, Jan 4, 2007
Tonight was my weekly poker night. I have been playing
poker with the boys every Thursday night for many years.
It was a stormy night out and very gloomy, but there was
a full moon out that could be seen from time to time when
it was not hidden by clouds. In the movies, there are
people who turn into werewolves during a full moon.
Although I know there are no werewolves in real life,
I do know that crime rates go up during a full moon.
Sociologists don't know why. I was wondering if there
would be any weirdos out tonight.
I got home around 11:30pm. I could tell something
was wrong when I turned into my street. All the
street lights and house lights were out. I figured
that the storm must have taken down some electric
wires and there was a power outage. At this hour of
the night, it might take until morning for the
electricity to be restored.
I do not smoke, so I don't carry a lighter or matches
and I had no candles or flashlights handy. But I was not worried.
The house was dark, but I knew how to get around and
would not have any trouble finding the way to my
I have not been afraid of "monsters under the bed"
since I was a little kid, so I did not expect to have
any fears walking around in the dark. Nevertheless,
it was a weird experience. It was totally dark
because the moon and stars were hidden by clouds
and all the usual small lights such as digital clocks
and such were all off. I had never been in my house
when it was so pitch black before.
It was eery. I groped my way to my bedroom keeping my
hands in front of me and feeling for all the familiar
landmarks. It was the strangest sensation. For no reason
that I could think of, I kept thinking that maybe there
was an intruder in the house and that he would pounce on
me while I was walking around the house. I was almost
afraid to take off my clothes because I was worried that
someone might be watching.
Of course, my fears were irrational. Even if there was
a burglar in the house, he wouldn't be able to see me
either with all the lights out. But what if it was a
female burglar and what if the lights went out while
she was in the house and made it hard for her to escape?
What if the lights suddenly came back on and she saw me naked?
What if she were behind me and I would be about to see her face
if I turned around. She might throw a blanket over my head
and then race to get out before I would see her and be
able to identify her to the police. But I could just pull
the blanket off. What if she tossed the blanket over my
head and then tied if off, so I couldn't just pull it off?
But where would she get rope? Do all cat burglars carry
rope with them or is that only the ones in the movies that
break in by climbing down rope from the skylight?
I have no skylight. The burglar has no rope. There is no
burglar. I am in no danger.
But if the burglar had rope, she would more likely grab
my arms, pull them together behind my back, and tie my
wrists together so that she could make a quick getaway
before I could pull the blanket off my head.
But if she tied my hands together, she wouldn't need to
make a quick getaway. She could take her time robbing me
while I was all bound up and unable to stop her.
Or she might get turned on by my naked body and rape me.
I dashed for the bed, slept with my clothes on, and pulled
the blanket up over my head so she couldn't see me (another
irrational response). I whimpered for a while and then
Thursday, Mar 8
It has now been over 2 months since the time I came home when
the electricity was out. I still have this irrational fear
that there is someone who is lurking in the house who will
either rape me or tie me up and do terrible things to my body.
What sort of things? I don't know. There are a lot of
strange people out there.
At first, I would come home to a dark house after my poker game
and immediately turn on the lights when I entered the house.
I would make my way cautiously to my bedroom at the other
end of the house from the garage, turning on room lights
along the way as I got to them. I'm not sure what I am
More recently, I started leaving the house lights on before
I left for my game. Then the house would be brightly lit
when I got home.
But this made me even more afraid.
I need to get rid of my fear. I know there is no basis to it.
Thursday, Mar 15
Today I got home from poker night and I sat in the car for 10 minutes.
I was afraid to go into the house. Finally I built up the
courage and opened the door. All the lights were on. I listened
carefully. There was nobody there.
I can't let this go on. I am an intelligent rational person.
I must find a way to get rid of this paranoia before it
expands and effects the rest of my life.
Thursday, Mar 22
Today, I was determined to overcome my fear. I purposely
left all the lights off before leaving for my weekly game.
When I got home, I willed myself not to turn on the lights.
I kept telling myself that it was all in my mind. No one
was here. Everything is safe.
I got to my room okay. Nothing happened. It was still kind of
eery. But this time, there were still lights on all over the
house that I could not control. The digital clock on the
oven, on the microwave, on the dvd player, on the vcr player,
on the clock radio. Power lights on my computer and stereo equipment.
Starlight came in through the windows. I never realized how
much light there actually was in a "dark" house.
Things went fairly well. I didn't seem afraid. Well, maybe a little.
But just the fact that I made it through the house without
panicking helped to ease my mind. Maybe if I do this once or
twice more, my fear of the dark would go away.
But then I thought: "What if there is another power failure?
The house would be really dark then. Would my fear come back?"
I'll have to think about this. My self-cure is almost working,
but it will need some modification.
Thursday, Mar 29
I had all week to figure out what to do. I didn't want to
turn off the circuit breakers before leaving the house
because then I would have to reset all those damn clocks.
And the food in the refrigerator would go bad.
But I knew that I had to force myself to come home to a
totally dark house a few times and walk through the house
without any problems in order to break my fear. If I could
just do this a few times, I would be all right.
I really don't want to have to go see a shrink.
So I came up with a solution. Tonight, before entering the
house, I tied a scarf around my eyes (like a blindfold),
cutting out all light. This would simulate the effect of
coming home to a completely dark house. It was a strange feeling,
but I forced myself to go through with it. I made my way
to the bedroom successfully. I was still a little scared.
But no one attacked me. I knew that if I could do this
safely a few more times, I would be cured.
If you've never walked around blindfolded before, it is
quite an experience. Because of the lack of sight, your
hearing seems more sensitive. The slightest sounds are
exaggerated. I could hear the crickets chirping in the
back yard. I could hear the wood floors creaking.
All sorts of night sounds and house sounds that you
normally don't even think about are blown out of proportion.
I had to keep telling myself that these sounds were normal.
But I kept listening intently for the sound of footsteps.
Is it possible there was an intruder here? Sneaking up behind me?
With my blindfold on, he could be here right in front of me.
But if there really was an intruder here, he would want to
surprise me and be extra quiet. He would take his shoes
off so as not to make any noise. She would tiptoe around.
Oops. I was now thinking of the intruder as a "she".
I was back to the rape phobia.
I need to work harder at my cure.
Thursday, April 5
Today I really planned ahead and was determined to get
over my irrational fear. This time, in addition to the
blindfold, I put earplugs in my ears. That way, I would
neither be able to see anything or hear anything.
I went to the drug store and studied all the earplugs
they had on display. Each one comes with a rating, like
20 or 24. It represents the number of decibels of sound
that are muffled. I got some that were rated 33 - the maximum
rating they had.
Now I was walking into the house both deaf and blind. I was totally
vulnerable to attack. If someone were waiting for me
there, I would never know they were there. They could have
the lights on and easily see me to mug me or rape me,
and I would never know she was there. I mean he wouldn't.
Or they wouldn't. My god, there could be a whole team of
women there waiting for me.
Maybe the intruder saw me last week and she decided to
not do anything, but tell all her friends and have them
all come back next week. To see that idiot walking
around his house blindfolded and earplugged.
They could be planning a gang rape.
I need to work harder at my cure.
Thursday, April 12
I know that the only way to cure my phobia is
to face it head on and not be afraid.
So tonight I went all out. Even with the earplugs
in, I could still hear some sounds. No earplug is perfect.
So tonight I added a headphone that I plugged into my
ipod. I set it to play loud music, so that would definitely
drown out any sounds that a rowdy gang of intruders might make.
I clipped the ipod to my blindfold, which I now replaced
with a professional model that was sure to cut out all light.
Bright light could still get through the fabric of the
scarf I had been using. With my new blindfold, there are
holes cut out in a piece of foam that fits over my eyes.
I can keep my eyes open in these holes, yet still not see
anything. I could be out in direct sunlight and still see
only total blackness.
This was an amazing experience. I was totally in the dark
and could not hear a thing except the muffled sound of
music playing in my ears.
I was determined to go all the way with my homemade "cure".
So after coming into the house blind and deaf, I stood
in the center of the room and slowly removed all my clothes.
If there were people here watching, I would give them
a good show. I sensually undressed the best I could.
If I were going to be attacked, now would be the time.
I waited a few moments and then headed off on the
blind walk to my bedroom.
I bumped into something that shouldn't have been there and
was completely startled. I jumped and was very scared.
Who was there? I held my breath and waited. Nothing happened.
I realized that the process of taking my clothes off while
blindfolded had disoriented me a bit and I had merely
bumped into the chair in my den. I breathed a sigh of relief.
I was ready to tear off the blindfold and make sure no one
was there. But I calmed myself down and said to myself that I
really have to follow through with this and get rid of my fear.
So I re-oriented myself and stoically continued the solo
march to my bedroom.
I finally got there and plopped down on the bed. I was totally
naked. What if the female gang were waiting for me to get
into bed so it would be easier for them to pounce on me?
While I was standing up and walking around, I could still
fight someone off with my hands and pull my blindfold off.
Laying on the bed like this, I was even more vulnerable.
One woman could jump on my chest and hold my hands down
while the other woman tied my feet together. Then when I
could no longer run away, they could gang up on me and tie
my hands together. They have had weeks to think and plan
their attack. They could have all the rope and belts ready.
Maybe they've even practiced this amongst themselves so they
could get me all tied up quickly before I even had a chance
to realize what was going on?
I shuddered at the thought. But then I realized that I
was not shuddering in fear. I was turned on by the thought.
Yes, it was scary, but it seemed very erotic. I could
feel my cock sticking straight up into the air, hard as a rock.
I was bemused by the situation. Okay, this was better than being
afraid. I decided to take advantage of the situation and
reached over to the night stand next to the bed and grabbed my
trusty vibrator. I turned it on and proceeded to masturbate
myself, all the while thinking that maybe there was a
bevy of women looking on in amusement. Maybe they were
masturbating themselves while they watched.
I had the most powerful orgasm that I have had in ages.
Wow, that was some turn-on!
It took me a while to get the nerve to remove the
blindfold. Darn. That tells me I'm still not cured.
I finally built up the courage and removed the blindfold.
No one was around.
Maybe they left just after I climaxed, determined to come
back next week and enjoy themselves even more by planning
to do all sorts of horrible things to me.
And bring all their friends too to see the show.
I knew I would have to keep this up, week after week, Thursday
after Thursday. If I kept doing it and nothing happened,
that should surely convince my subconscious mind that it
was all a figment of my imagination. Then I could come home
and not be afraid any more.
I will have to keep doing this every week.
I hope no one can read this online diary. The computer manual
said it was supposed to be totally secure. It would be
horrible if someone managed to read this diary, know all my
plans, and arrange to show up, knowing my exact routine and
knowing that I would not see or hear them.
No, that can't happen. I will prove it to myself. I will
continue the routine each week with nothing happening
until I overcome my fear.
Thursday, Apr 19
Each week I have to up the ante. Maybe the women are not
attacking me because they fear that I am too strong and
that they would not be able to overpower me.
So today, when I got to my bedroom, I took a leather belt
that I had left there this afternoon, and used it to
wrap around my ankles, tying my feet together. Then I tied
a piece of rope from my left wrist to the left bedpost.
This still left my right hand free to masturbate myself.
But surely, if anyone were present, even one petite young girl,
she would be able to overpower me seeing that I already
had my feet tied together and one hand tied. It should be
a no-contest. Here I was naked, laying on the bed. Totally
vulnerable. Unable to see or hear, and partially tied up.
If someone were here, now would be her time to pounce.
I would be totally helpless. I reached for the vibrator
and had to grope around for it. Was it just slightly off from
where it usually was or did someone move it on me?
No, it was there. It's all in my mind.
I grabbed the vibrator and began to jerk myself off.
Was someone there waiting for me to get all hard and horny and
then will grab the vibrator out of my hand just as I am
about to come?
No, dear diary. Nothing happened. It's all in my mind.
But again, I had an extremely powerful orgasm.
I look forward to doing it again next week, and the week after
that. It's a good thing no one knows I'm doing this.
I could be in such trouble if someone stumbled across my diary...
Copyright 2007 by Questioner@comcast.net .
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